


Not exactly gone, but on his way.

by Jimin



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-14 06:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jimin/pseuds/Jimin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was my boyfriend and I did nothing to help him. I didn't even ask him if he was alright all those times he was in hospital, injured, hooked up to machinery that only made him suffer more.</p><p> </p><p>I am sorry for it now, I really am. But it doesn't matter anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All that I think about is you, always you, and only you.

**Author's Note:**

> i just have no idea where this is even going to.

Himchan was the only person I ever allowed in my life. He was the one and only friend I had. He was everything I could wish for; everything I wished for.

 

With his cheery and bright smiles I woke up and went to sleep every night. The picture I had of us on my phone would light up the room when I’d lie in my bed, and when I opened my eyes.

 

We took it last summer. Visiting family was one of the things I hated but with Himchan tagging along it became so much better.

 

"Let’s go to the beach," he nagged and pulled me out of my bed. For a teenager that acted like a middle aged woman, Himchan was pretty strong.

 

"No," I groaned and pushed him away.

 

"Bang Yongguk," I heard him threaten and turned around. He had his hands braced on his hips and his lips puckered out. "Don’t you dare turn your back at me."

 

Rolling my eyes I throw myself back onto the bed and mumble against the pillow, "That's The Lion King you idiot."

 

He fumed behind me and in a split second I made myself comfortable on the utterly soft bed I felt him sit on top of me. He was heavy, not that I would ever tell it to him, and him on top of me made it hard to breathe, and made my spine bend in a painful way.

 

"Ouch! Himchan get off!"

 

He laughed behind me and pulled me by my hair, his breath hitting the back of my neck. "Come. To. The. Beach. With. Me." his voice was incredibly rough against my ears, but it sounded so sexual like this.

 

I felt myself get hard but the stupid idiot of my cousin had to pass by the doors just as I was about to turn myself around and push Himchan deep into the mattress and sit on top of him (maybe even fuck him).

 

"Free porn," Daehyun whistled, "I like it. Continue."

 

Daehyun was the most annoying person I had the misfortune to meet. He was loud and obnoxious, everything had a sex reference and everything he did was sexual. He also spoke in the most annoying Busan accent ever making me want to punch him every time he parted those sinful lips of his.

 

Himchan quickly jumped of off me and bowed to the boy at the doors. He was being overly polite considering the boy was much younger than we both were.

 

"Good morning," he said as he straightened himself. With his back turned to me I could clearly see how tight his pants were.

 

Daehyun smirked and licked his lips. "Seems like you two are having a better morning than me. Should I leave you in private, or do you not mind me watching?"

 

I threw a pillow at the brat hitting him straight in the face and making him hit his head against the wall that he leaned on.

 

"You jerk!" he screeched and threw himself on me. He was even heavier than Himchan was and he kept on trying to suffocate me with the pillow.

 

"Hey!" Himchan panicked next to us trying to pry Daehyun of off me. "You’re going to wake up everyone. Stop it!" he hissed and managed to pull Daehyun off. "I don't want to get kicked out because of you two."

 

He was starting to be smart again. Arousing.

 

"He started it," Daehyun accused and pointed his finger at me.

 

"Yah, brat! Who are you pointing a finger at?"

 

Daehyun turned around and swore bellow his voice before he turned back to Himchan bowed and ran out of the room, knocking my guitar on the way.

 

"Hey! Watch it!" I yell after him only to hear him laugh downstairs. "I’m going to kill that brat."

 

Himchan laughs, "No you're not. And you promised me we're going to the beach, so get ready. I’ll wait for you downstairs." Himchan winked before he slipped through the doors and skipped down the stairs.

 

I could hear him talk to Daehyun. The two actually got along well, of course when I wasn't present. Himchan was what Daehyun thought to be the perfect man. Handsome and cute; talkative and outgoing; cheerful and positive; and on top of that Himchan had a nice ass, and a pretty big cock (I managed to sneak a peek when we showered together after football).

 

-

 

It took me a whole half an hour to get showered and dressed before I walked down the stairs. Himchan and Daehyun were sitting on the sofa, watching cartoons and gossiping about some boy Daehyun met last week.

 

"You wouldn't believe how cute he is," Daehyun giggled, "he has the most amazing smile ever and he's my age but already has abs. I’m just too shy to talk to him." he frowned and tucked his bottom lip out.

 

"I could help," Himchan offered and Daehyun quickly jumped up hugging (choking) him.

 

"Thank you; thank you; thank you," he sang and swayed Himchan’s body in his embrace. "I’ll go get ready and we'll go to the beach so I can show him to you. He's a surfer."

 

Daehyun ran past me and up the stairs creating so much noise it probably woke the whole neighbourhood up. He sang as he got dressed and both, me and Himchan, couldn't suppress giggles.

 

"Since when are you a love consultant?" I ask as I snuggle against Himchan’s side, stealing his chopsticks and finishing his breakfast. Ramyun, that son of a bitch.

 

Himchan raises a brow, "I don't ever remember not being one."

 

We sat there in silence (well if you don't count Daehyun singing upstairs and the faint mumble coming from the TV) and watch the remaining of the cartoon that played on the TV. In the midst of the cartoon Himchan’s hand wraps itself around my shoulders, fingers mindlessly playing with the sleeve of the shirt.

 

"I’m ready!" Daehyun shouted and ran down the stairs and directly through the doors almost giving me and Himchan a heart attack.

 

-

 

"Which one is he?" Himchan asked and motioned towards the group of surfers that stood just by our bench.

 

"The one with a green board," Daehyun said blushing, "he's wearing blue shorts."

 

"Oh." was all that Himchan said as he watched the boy in the blue shorts run up the beach towards them.

 

"Daehyun hyung," the boy sang as he approached us, "I didn't see you before."

 

Daehyun's blush deepened and he lowered his head even more. "We just arrived A few minutes ago, Jonguppie."

 

"Oh," the boy whispered, smile fading from his face for a second. "Do you want me to teach you how to surf?" the boy said, blush covering his cheeks, fingers playing with the strings of his shorts.

 

"Really?"

 

The boy nodded and reached out for Daehyun's hand pulling him up on his feet and dragging him to his group of friends.

 

Himchan laughed at the boys and sat closer to me, where Daehyun used to sit. "Seems like he didn't need any help."

 

I laugh along and warp my hand around Himchan’s shoulder, my fingers resting on his bare shoulder. "Yeah," I mindlessly say and rest my chin against Himchan’s head, closing my eyes for a second.

 

We sit in silence for a moment. The sound of waves hitting the shore and boys laughing in the back made me feel peaceful; and the heat that radiated from Himchan made me feel safe.

 

"Let’s take a picture," Himchan jumps up fishing his phone from his pocket and quickly turning the camera on.

 

"Smile," he said as he pressed his face closer to mine and put the camera in front of our faces.

 

He moved away shortly afterwards and went to look at the picture while I could only stare at him wide eyes hoping he would let me kiss him.

 

"We look so cute," he coos and shoves the phone under my nose. The picture is cute. Himchan is smiling widely and so am I. Our cheeks are touching and I can still feel the heat of his on mine.

 

"We are," I mumble and lift my head to look back at him.

 

He's mere inches away from my face, staring at me, mindlessly licking his lips.

 

"Yongguk," he whispers and inches even close, our noses touching, "can I-?"

 

He doesn't finish his question he doesn't need to. I’m already pressing our lips together; wrapping my fingers around his neck and pulling him closer.

 

He trails his tongue over my lower lip and I part them without thinking. Our tongues meet; his curls around mine and the other way around until we lose our breaths and have to part.

 

He rests his forehead against mine and smiles. "I’ve wanted to do this for so long," he whispers and presses a peck against the corner of my lips.

 

I giggle, and pull him in for another kiss. "Me too. Me too."

 

-

 

I stared at the picture of us in the darkness of the room. I still felt my cheek burn where he pressed his. I never could forget the feeling, the tingles that the friction made.

 

"I miss you," I whisper at the phone caressing his face, hoping he'd be there with me when I wake up, but I know he never will be.

 

-

 

"So," Himchan said and scratched the back of his neck, "do we just start now or what?"

 

Sex. That was the thing we never really though trough.

 

We were sitting on my bed one Saturday night when my parents were out. Himchan was as nervous as I was. None of us have ever done this before and we were too scared we might mess up.

 

I sit closer, and closer, until Himchan’s thighs were pressed against mine. I take his hand in mine and intertwine our fingers.

 

"We’re going to be fine. Just relax." I try to soothe him, try to stop the trembling.

 

Himchan nods faintly. "Yeah."

 

I press my lips against his and wrap my hands around him. This wasn't strange for us, we did it daily. My fingers comb through his hair and he stops trembling as much.

 

The kiss is slow, gentle and none of us rushes it. I nibble softly on Himchan’s bottom lip and lower my right hand from Himchan’s neck to his lower back, lifting the shirt slowly up and caressing the soft skin beneath.

 

Himchan mewled out and pressed himself closer to me. His hands were placed on my shoulders, fingers pulled at my hair.

 

His shirt was soon tossed onto the floor, mine following quickly behind, and he was laid beneath me on my bed.

 

Kissing up his chest I leave a trail of kisses up his chest, twisting one of his dark nipples between my fingers. His skin was soft against my fingers, against my lips and I was slowly starting to get addicted to it. The scent of it, the texture and the warmth.

 

"You’re beautiful," I whisper against his neck. My lips are on his pulse and I feel his hear fasten when I say the words and his body to heat up.

 

I fiddle with the button of his pants and pull them down his milky thighs. He shivers at the cold air touching his bare skin and I can't help but smile at the sight of him biting onto his lip to suppress the moans.

 

Kissing my way up his thighs I hear him grunt, see him buck his hips in the air wishing for more friction. And there is nothing I can do but to grant his wishes.

 

Fingers are tracing against the tip of his still clothed cock, precum already leaking. He bucks his hips each time I ran my fingers down the shaft of his throbbing member and he begs for more. His voice is rough, like sandpaper and it arouses me to no end.

 

"Take them off," he breathes out and hooks his fingers into the waistband of his underwear pushing them down.

 

I hook my fingers where his used to be and pull the fabric all the way down freeing his cock. He hisses when his cock springs free and rolls his eyes.

 

I wrap my fingers around his shaft giving it a few testing tugs. Never doing this to someone else was slowly starting to become a problem.

 

"More," moans out and reaches for my lips, "touch me more."

 

Connecting out lips I pump his shaft teasingly trying to get comfortable with the position I’m in. He appears to like what I’m doing and ruts his hips into my hand, shamelessly moaning out 'more' and 'faster' accompanied by my name.

 

It doesn't take long for him to come and when he does he comes in thick ropes of white liquid all over my fist and over his chest. His head is thrown back and his back is arched upwards when he comes. The sight is beautiful and I reach out for my phone snapping a picture before he opens his eyes and catches me.

 

His breathing is heavy and he looks like he's hyperventilating when I wipe away the cum from his chest and his cock. I use another one to wipe my hand before I toss them under the bed and snuggle against Himchan.

 

"What about you?" he asks kissing my nose and turning us so he's the one on top.

 

I shake my hand and list myself up to kiss him. "You don't have to do it. I’m fine."

 

He raises a brow and presses his ass harder against my crotch drawing out a long low moan.

 

"Are you really?" he asks and pulls my grey sweat pants and underwear off in one go.

 

He sits between my legs and takes my cock in his hand, slowly tugging at it. "Tell me if I’m hurting you. I've never done this before." he warns and lowers his lips onto my cock.

 

The moment his lips meet the skin of my cock I feel the world turn faster. I can't think of anything else but his lips on my cock and his hot tongue darting out to lick the precum away.

 

"God, Himchan," I breathe out and fist his hair, "don't ever stop."

 

He laughs against my cock sending vibrations down the shaft making me moan out his name; surely I must have woken the neighbours up.

 

He's soon bobbing his head on my dick; tongue is running down the sides of it, licking along the vein on my cock that started to pump blood even faster.

 

He nibbles on the tip of my cock and starts to stroke my ball sack with his free hand. He's doing this too well. And I soon can't see anything in front of me but white.

 

"Himchan, I’m-" I try to warn but my semen is already shot down his throat and he doesn't seem to mind it the slightest.

 

He licks away the cum from my cock and uses the back of his hand to wipe away the trail of cum mixed with saliva from his chin before he's climbing on top of me and is kissing me again.

 

I can taste myself on his tongue but I don't mind. He's biting on my lips and keeps on grinning us against one another, sending jolts of pleasure over our bodies as our cocks brush against one another.

 

That night we fall asleep tangled in one another, and we're both pretty sure my parents saw us when they arrived home the other morning but neither of them mentions anything so we don't either.

 

-

 

Waking up without him is painful but I try my best to imagine his hot body wrapped around mine, his legs tangled in mine and his head nuzzled against my chest.

 

It's hard to though. It's been so long I almost forgot how he smelled; how warm his skin exactly was; how his touch felt.

 

"Yongguk hyung," I hear my roommate yell from the hall, "You’ll be late."

 

Junhong. He was the only one that agreed to take me in after Himchan was gone. He was the only person that I knew and wouldn't ask questions.

 

He knocks on my doors and pokes his head trough them. He's already dressed up in a white dress shirt and black suit pants.

 

He was the one that brought money into this home. He was the one that took care of us both, the one that made us food, bought us clothes, cleaned up after us.

 

"Get up, you'll be late." he repeats and pulls my covers off.

 

He folds his sleeves up to his elbows and takes my hands pulling me out of the bed. "Please get up. He needs you."

 

It's a simple sentence. Yet it hurts so much.

 

"Ok," I mumble and stand up on my feet wobbling around a few times before the ground beneath me calms down from spinning. "I’ll just go take a shower."

 

He nods at me and leaves the room.

 

-

 

"They told me you can stay with him while he's taking the MRI scan," Junhong informs in the car as we park on the hospital parking lot. "I made it that you can stay the whole night if you want. The nurses have brought an extra bed for you to sleep in."

 

Junhong was a lawyer, a great one. He was the person I went to when all of this happened and he was the person that helped me out, as much as he could.

 

"Did he wake up?" I ask, voice trembling, eyes tearing up.

 

Junhong looks at me apologetically and shakes his head. "I’m sorry," he whispers and takes my hand in his. "But there is still a chance, don't give up just yet."

 

He releases my hand and looks at his watch, brows furrowing and nose scrunching. "I have to go," he says and pulls out his wallet from the inner pocket of his jacket. He pulls out a few bills and presses them into my palm. "Buy yourself something to eat if you're going home. I’ll be in office until morning and we have nothing to eat at home."

 

I nod and fold the bills before I push them into my pocket and open the doors. As much as I felt embarrassed every time Junhong gave me money, I already got used to it. Though I wished I could earn my own and pay him back all that he invested in me. Pay him back for all the money he gave me, and spent on me. Pay him back for all the nights he consoled me while I cried, had nightmares and couldn't fall asleep. Pay him back for all those times he refused a date because he was worried about me being all alone.

 

"Thank you," I whisper before I shut the doors of his car and walk away.

 

-

 

I hated hospitals. They smelled too sterile and dead. The scent would make me sick every time I walked in, but I had to. I had to inhale that awful scent because that meant I’d get to see Himchan, and I loved Himchan more than anything I ever did.

 

"Hello Yongguk." the nurse at the reception greets and gives me a soft smile.

 

"Hi," I reply and half-bow at her.

 

Sunhwa, the main nurse, also the one that ran up to me and helped me when I carried Himchan in. She was younger then, only got into her position, her hair was flaming red, and her smile was bright.

 

That changed a lot. She was brown now, and there were wrinkles around her eyes and her lips. A few grey hairs in her hair also making her appear older than she actually was. But her smile was still as bright as it was that day when she patted my shoulder and said it'll all be alright, said that Himchan will live.

 

And she wasn't exactly wrong. Himchan was alive, and he was alright, he just didn't want to take up.

 

"Any changes?" I ask and lean over the counter.

 

She shakes her head. "no, he's still sleeping, but his heart is pumping blood on its own now and we're taking that as a good sign. He might wake up quite soon."

 

She would always say that, 'he'll wake up soon', yet I never told her to stop. It wasn't irritating only because it came from her and she was the one that understood. Her husband died of a heart attack five years ago. She knew how was it to lose the one you love.

 

"I was told you were coming with him to take the MRI scan," she says switching the topic and scanning a file in front of her.

 

"Junhong said I could," I murmured more to myself than to her but she still caught it.

 

Her eyes brightened at the mention of the younger. "Junhong," she repeated, "he's a great guy isn't he?"

 

I only nod. He was the best, if not even better than that.


	2. With the words unspoken I call for your soul and your heart to come back.

Himchan resident in the room at the far left. The hallways I had to walk trough was long, reminded me of those in horror movies, but it was, unfortunately very good lit. The doors I stopped by were painted white, but the wood beneath still gave it a texture. I placed my palm onto the knob and twisted it pushing the doors ahead of me.

 

He lied still on the bed, hands neatly placed by his sides. His legs were placed one by the other beneath the pale blue sheets (someone has been changing them since I was last here). His head rested on the pillow, same pale blue colour as the sheets, hair combed neatly around his face (he desperately needed a trim. Tips of his hair had already reached his shoulders) made it seem like he was a doll lied in the bed, not a living human being.

 

"Hello," I say as I walk over to his bed, kiss his forehead and take his palm into mine. "How have you been?"

 

In the time Himchan had been here I had found myself talk to him more and more confidently, never really taking in that he never replied. I asked him questions about how he spent the night when I was away. Asked him if he's feeling any better than he did last time I visited. I asked him if he needed me to bring him anything, coffee or a chocolate snack he used to live.

 

"I have a craving for coffee, would you like some?" I ask and press his palm against my cheek, the faint heat of his body radiating into mine like a whisper. "Good then, I’ll bring you too some. And your chocolate too, I haven't brought one for you in a while."

 

With the words spoken I lift myself onto my feet, press my lips onto Himchan's and leave the room. Before I slip through them I look back once. Sometimes in the corner of my eye I would see him move, see him sit up on the bed and smile at me. But then I’d turn around and he'll still be lying in the bed, completely still, only his chest rising and falling slowly. Those times I felt my heart clench and in a brief second it brought me I could feel myself hurt more.

 

The nurses still looked at me weirdly when they'd see me carrying two cups of coffee and a chocolate bar to the room. They stopped asking a while ago when they saw that there was always one cup of coffee left, still full, and an unopened chocolate bar folded into Himchan's fingers.

 

Sunhwa tried to make me stop doing that. She said that I should start giving up. She said I should stop coming here. But I couldn't listen. I could give up on Himchan, he was the only thing I have in life, only thing I had.

 

I could see her in the corner of my eye. She's standing by the counter with her head low and her fingers wiping away the silent tear that fell down her cheek.

 

When I returned into the bedroom Himchan wasn't alone. There were three other people with him, a nurse and two medical technicians. They took his covers off and lifted him up from the bed. One of the nurses held his head while the two men took his sides and placed him onto the cart by the bed.

 

"Where are you taking him?" I ask and put the coffee onto the counter by the doors. I slipped the chocolate into my pocket when I bought it by the vending machine.

 

The woman smiles at me and walks to my side. "We’re taking him downstairs to do some checks. An MRI scan, if you want to be more precise." Her smile was nice, she radiated happiness and her hands were warm, just like her voice was. "You can come with us, if you'd like of course."

 

Without thinking I just nodded and followed them around the hospital. The elevator was too crowded for the two of us to fit in so we took the stairs.

 

"We’ll be there just in time," she said when the metal doors closed after Himchan and the medical technicians, "no need to worry."

 

She made me follow her down the stairs. She talked about what they'll me doing to Himchan; she talked about all the things that need to be checked and all the things that could cause a state of coma.

 

"Don’t worry, he'll be alright," she whispered to my ear when we finally reached the end of the stairs. She fingers were on my shoulder and her lips briefly grazed over my cheek.

 

From her my eyes drifted to the body that was being laid upon a desk. It was Himchan, no doubt in that, but he was being shirtless and there were men touching him.

 

-

 

"Please," Himchan pleaded, "dance with me."

 

I shook my head. We were in a bar on a Saturday night and Himchan, like always had an urge to dance the night away.

 

"I don't want to. You know I’m a terrible dancer." He laughed and nodded along.

 

He pressed his lips against mine and jumped up. "Then I’ll dance alone," he said and moved away from our table in the corner of the room to the dance floor.

 

Himchan wasn't the best when it came to dancing, but he was undeniably better than me. He knew just how to sway his hips to make me aroused and make any of the girls present jealous. But he was also a better dancer when he had a pair, and I always seemed to forget that.

 

He moved up to the dance floor and started to sway his body in a rhythm that suited the music. The poppy beat of the song that followed had him ginning at me and I already knew what was going to happen.

 

Himchan was one of those people who admired pole dancers. He kept on saying he'd love to learn how to do it properly, so he insisted that we have a pole installed into our spare bedroom. He would always drag me there on lazy afternoon to watch him practice, knowing he'd get rewarded afterwards.

 

On the dance floor Himchan started to jump up with the people there. He started to press his palms against his chest and his thighs knowing I was looking. One of his fingers somehow ended up between his lips and he twisted his tongue around it, winking at me. He calmed down for a second when he noticed me cross my legs. A smirk took over his lips and he waved me to come to him.

 

I just shook my head again and lifted my drink to take a sip, hoping the alcohol would give me some courage.

 

Instead of me getting courage some other guy made his way over to Himchan and started to sway his hips a bit too close to Himchan's. A tall blonde even dared to put his hands on Himchan's hips when he leaned down to whisper into Himchan's ear.

 

I must have looked really stupid when I tried to walk up to them since I tripped over my own feet. I must have drank way more than I intended to.

 

But even with the tripping I managed to walk over to Himchan and the guy – that later introduced himself as Junhong – and break them apart. The guy, Junhong, apologized a few times before he slipped back into the crowd and left Himchan and me alone, well as much as you could count a full bar of people alone.

 

Himchan gave me a reassuring kiss when Junhong left and pulled me closer to himself. His lips brushed against my neck when he spoke, "So I need to make you jealous to get you to dance with me." His breath fanned over my skin, tingles running down the skin that it came on contact with. "I’ll remember that as a reference for the future."

 

He made me dance with him that night. He made me carry him out of the bar and into a sex shop and then, without showing me what he bought, he made me follow him to our apartment.

 

"Wait in the guest bedroom," he said and pushed me away. I could see him walking over to the bathroom, there was a more noticeable sway in his hips than usual.

 

Stripping myself out of the clothes I wore I sat on the bed in only my underwear. The room was a bit cold when I waited, but I paid no attention to it. I tried to focus myself on Himchan and Himchan only. I was starting to get impatient as the minutes went by. Himchan took his time, half an hour to be precise, but when he walked through the doors I knew it was worth the wait.

 

He opened the doors slowly when he came inside. His legs were the first thing that came to my vision. High leather heels were strapped to his feet as he walked over to the pole that was placed in the middle of the room. Following the milky skin of his legs my eyes rested on the leather underwear he wore, a thong actually. Over the fabric I could see the outline of his cock.

 

He walked over to the bed where I sat and stopped when his knees hit mine. I placed my hands onto his hips and pulled him down, knocking him out of his balance and making him fall onto my bare chest.

 

He groaned under his breath and held himself up on his hands. His chest was bare like mine and I could still see some of the marks I made two days ago.

 

"Don’t you want to see me dance?" he asked and pouted, just now did I notice he was wearing bright red lipstick and his cheeks were tinted pink.

 

I simply just nodded and waited for him to wiggle his way up the bed and to the pole. He pulled his iPod from his underwear – I still wouldn't know how he put it there, the thong looked like it was crushing his nuts – until a song with a slow beat started to fill the room and he pushed the iPod away.

 

Wrapping his long leg around the pole Himchan started to walk around the pole. His hands were slicking it in the same motion that he used on my cock and I couldn't help but swallow the lump in my throat and stare. He jumped up a bit and pulled himself up the pole until his other foot was no longer on the floor. He twisted his body downwards and wrapped his other leg around the pole letting go of it with his hands.

 

In a fraction of a second I was up on my feet ready to hold him while he fell. But he didn't fall; instead his body slowly slipped down the metal bar until his head touched the ground. When it did he bent his legs over his shoulders and gave me a perfect look at his crotch and his ass.

 

"H-Himchan," I breathed out and sat back onto the bed. The words didn't come out of my throat but Himchan seemed to realise I was amazed.

 

He bent his legs even more until they were back on the ground and somehow pulled himself up on his feet. He walked over to me in those heels that made a clicking nose every time they came in contact with the floor. He sat on my legs and tangled his fingers into my hair.

 

"Are you amazed by how flexible I am?" he asks and grinds his hips against mine. "Are you aroused by it?" With words leaving his lips he pressed his palm against my crotch and started to pump my member trough the already wet fabric.

 

"Y-yes," I breathe out and rest my head against his neck hoping to get some release. But he was a tease, so he pulled himself away and stood back up.

 

"Then let me entertain you more."

 

He was back at the pole, his hips swaying to the beat of the music I almost forgot. Himchan knew I had a soft spot for his ass so he made his way to the other side of the pole and leaned onto the pole. The thong had already made a job of spreading his butt cheeks so there was no problem with it when he slid his butt along the pole, cold metal touching the soft skin of his perfectly sculptured ass.

 

The erection in my pants started to hurt even more and I slipped the underwear down my hips, hissing at the cold air wrapping around my heated member.

 

Himchan kept on swaying around the pole. He got incredibly strong in the past few months he'd been practicing. His body was bent in all different ways possible as he circled around the metal bar. His legs were in the air more than I’ve ever seen them before. His hands roamed over his chest and his rubbed against the restraining fabric of his underwear.

 

"Himchan," I grunted under my breath when he started moaning, legs wrapped around the pole and hands all over his body, “get down here."

 

He smirked – that bastard – and walked over to me, swaying his hips in the most sinful way there was. He sat on my leg and lifted his leg up.

 

"Take them off first," he ordered while pointing at the heels he had on.

 

Fiddling with the straps I pull them off and throw Himchan on the bed before I climb on top of him. He giggles at my roughness and wraps his legs around my hips.

 

"You look so cute when you're frustrated," he whispers against my lips and claims them as his. He twists his tongue around mine not even giving me the opportunity to dominate and bites on my lips as he tries to keep me pressed tightly against himself.

 

We break the kiss when there's no air in our lungs and they start to burn but we never part our bodies.

 

"I never want you to leave," I whisper against Himchan's lips, "ever."

 

He smiles and caresses my cheeks. "I’ll never leave, Yongguk. I promise that."

 

That night Himchan was the only thing I could see, smell, taste, hear and touch. Himchan was everywhere. His hands were on each part of my body at the same time and his lips were on every available part of my face and my jaw and my chest. His legs held me in place as I rocked against him and as he took my whole length with the first thrust.

 

He kept on chanting my name and kept on yelling out that he loves me when my cock would graze over his spot. His nails scratched my back and made it bleed. He bit on my lip with so much force when he came it bled out.

 

But Himchan was perfect that night. And he gave me all that I could have imagined in a person. More than that he gave me himself, the whole of it, and that was something I loved about him.

 

He never failed to impress, whether it was something he did, or something he said, or even the way he'd smile in the morning and would roll over to rest his head against my chest.

 

Himchan was perfect. And he was mine.

 

-

 

But Himchan was gone now. His body was lifeless; he couldn't move and couldn't speak. He couldn't do anything I begged him to do.

 

They turned on the machine Himchan's body was placed in and waited as the screen showed them pictures of his brain. To me nothing looked like it should. All the dark spots they claimed to be normal looked like fatal diseases to me.

 

"For the tenth time, Mr Bang," the main doctor said and turned to me, "not all dark spots are cancers. Relax; we'll inform you if we see anything."

 

The nurse from before told me to sit down and wait. She gave me one of her reassuring looks and sat next to me, her fingers still in mine.

 

"What is he to you?" she asked and stroked the upper side of my palm with her thumb.

 

I wipe away the tear that formed in the corner of my eye and turn to her. "He was my everything."

 

And she noticed, she understood. Her fingers slipped away and her gaze shifted from mine. She stood up and walked through the doors into the hallway.

 

People reacted differently when I told them about us. Some didn't mind, like Junhong, they'd pat my back and say sorry; they'd try to help, like Sunhwa, because they know how it is to lose someone to love. But there were still some that would just look away when I’ll tell them. They'd stood up and never come back, they'd spread rumours and lies about us just to make me feel bad.

 

-

 

"How dare you humiliate our family like this?" Himchan’s mother yelled at us. she came home earlier and had found us half-naked on the sofa.

 

I pulled my shirt over my head the quickest I could while Himchan confronted his mother. "I did nothing to humiliate you!” he yelled back.

 

She spread her eyes and pointed at Himchan and me, "Then what is this?" she asked through her teeth.

 

Himchan sighed and lifted up his shirt, pulled it over his head and took me by my hand. “This is something you’ll never know about, mother.” we stood by the doors now. His mother’s eyes wide when he pushed me through the doors and told me to wait in the car.

 

Before I walked into the car I heard him whisper, “This is love, something you never gave me.”

 

-

 

“Mr Bang,” the head doctor said turning his chair to me and pushed his glasses up his nose, “did Mr Kim take any kind of medication before he fell into coma?”

 

I shake my head, “No, not that I know.”

 

He hummed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “When you brought him in we found traces of hallucinogenic drugs in his blood. Did he ever consume any illegal drugs?”

 

My brows furrow. Himchan was a decent man, how dare you say something like that. “No, I don’t think he did.”

 

The doctor hums in approval and shuts the file he’s been reading. “We’ll examine the scans more closely in the next few days.” His voice rings in the room as she pushes the file into a drawer. “If we find something you’ll be the first to know.”

 

He leaves me like this. With none question answered and more confused than I was before. Not knowing if Himchan will make out of this was the worst. Yet I could still hope.

 

I could only hope.


	3. And at the end of it I still managed to be there with you.

“We’re sorry,” the doctor keeps on repeating. He came into the room only a few minutes ago with Himchan’s file in his hands and an apologetic look in his eyes. He tried his best to make it seem less hurtful.

I stood there empty. His words hit me right in the core and for a moment all of my senses went numb and my whole brain shut down.

“We can’t do anything to save him. He’s permanently in coma.” Those words hit me harder than anything ever before did. Two sentences that determined my whole future just proved to be the ones that would hurt me the most.

They were supposed to save him. After they took out the shrapnels that were in his body and made all the tests they could, they were supposed to save him. They were supposed to wake him up.

Junhong held me as I cried. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, whispered incoherent words into my ear. He tried his best to calm me down, but there was no use. The only person that could calm me down was currently lying lifelessly on the bed beside us, sleeping.

“What do I do now?” I ask once the tears stop falling from my eyes, once I’m too tired to cry.

Junhong is silent. He never liked being a part of this. He never liked that he had to take so much care of me. He never liked that he had to force me out of my bed in the mornings and had to force me to leave hospital in the evenings. He was cursed by me and the tragedy that struck Himchan. And he was only a friend to us, not a family member, not even someone that was with one of us from the beginning. We only knew Junhong for two months before the accident happened.

“We could take him to Europe. Do some more tests and see if there’s anything we can do to wake him up.” His voice is shaky, there are tears in his eyes when I look up and I can see that he doesn’t believe his words. He is only trying to make this hurt less, he’s trying.

Shaking my head and wiping the tears away I lift myself up from the floor where we’ve been sitting on. “No, we’re not going to do that,” I mumble and sit at the corner of Himchan’s bed. “We’ll put him away, and we’ll leave.”

I can see the way Junhong’s eyes widen when I say that. I can see that he knows what I mean, but I know he sees the pain on my face, in my eyes when I say it.

So he tries; he tries so hard to persuade me not to lose hope. He keeps on telling me how it could all work out; how Himchan still has a chance. He mentions so many things we could do to try and save him. He mentions so many expensive things he would have to pay for just to get Himchan back to me.

“He’s not going to wake up like they do in movies, Junhong! Please stop, it hurts enough already.”

I knew it was a bad thing to yell at him. It wasn’t fair of me to yell at him for trying to help.

But Junhong listens. He never says another word as I pack my things – pack Himchan’s – and leave his apartment. He offers me a ride, says how I don’t have to do this right now, that I can just wait for a few days.

“If I do, I won’t ever leave. I’ll stay here and bathe in guilt. I’ll forever live in a shadow of Himchan’s accident. I’ll just drag you down like I do now.” I stop to take in the much needed air. “I am the reason your life is this way, Junhong. I am the reason you don’t have a girlfriend, I am the cancer that sticks to you and doesn’t want to let go. I am the worst thing that happened to you.”

He stands in front of me with his eyes watery and his lips quivering. He is ready to protest, ready to fight me and persuade me into believing I don’t have to leave, that I can always stay with him. He’ll say that he doesn’t mind having me around. He’ll say it won’t be the same, but we both know it’ll just be better if I leave.

So instead of letting him talk I place my hands on his shoulders and pull him in for one last hug. I feel his tears on my neck and I feel his body shaking in my arms, but I know this is for the best.

“Please let me leave; don’t contact me; don’t ask about me.” I say through my teeth, fighting the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. “Forget me.”

 

And he did. He forgot about my whole existence that day. He never called me on my phone, never searched for me in places he knew I’d be in. He never tried and I knew he knew I rented a small apartment close to the hospital. But still he went to hospital every day and left a note in Himchan’s palm. The note was always the same, but he kept on writing the dates on the back of the paper.

‘Come back home.’ was the only thing the note said. Those three words written in his perfect handwriting made me wish I never left him, but I had to. I was dragging Junhong down with my depressed state; I was taking up space in his apartment and never did anything to pay him back for all he did for me.

-

“Can I ask you something?” Himchan had asked one night when we cuddled in our bed. His fingers were buried in my hair, stroking through it softly. There was a hidden note of fear in his voice but I just overlooked it.

“Yeah, sure. What is it?” I asked and lifted myself onto my elbows to look at him.

He seems a bit out of place, eyes looking everywhere just not at me.

“How would you like to die?” he finally asks, eyes still avoiding mine. His fingers fall from my hair and he starts playing with them in his lap.

The silence that falls between the two of us is uncomfortable. The sudden tension that rises between us could be cut by a knife, so to break it I awkwardly laugh and press my lips against his ear.

“I don’t care as long as I’m able to be close to you when I do.”

-

Himchan’s fingers are soft when I tangle them into mine. He looks so peaceful, so cute.

The nurse will be here any moment; she’ll turn off the devices that keep Himchan alive. She’ll leave us then, she knows I need just one final moment. She’ll leave us and then I’ll press my lips against Himchan’s to take his last kiss. I’ll keep my lips pressed against his for a moment too long, just to feel him breathe his final breath out.

And when I do, I’ll open the window and say ‘goodbye’ to him for the last time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- last chapter.   
> \- why do i feel like crap for all this?


End file.
